and another note

I'd just like to make it clear that all this ... stuff (see previous 2 posts) isn't just about me listening to Shane Claiborne and nobody else. This is kind of the most recent tipping point, but by no means the only point ... I mean other stuff I've been reading includes the Bible, Rob Bell, McLaren, Don Miller, and some 24-7 prayer stuff; I'm also trying to work through thoughts with a vicar (CofE) at church, and in community with friends/family ... although I think I need to work on sharing with people around me and looking for community. I fall for the whole 'you can be individual and self-contained' thing that society tells us, over and over.

triggered by an ad on Spotify

(and written in about 3 minutes)

dear world,
    demand more of me.

stop telling me that my spare time
    can make a difference
that my spare change
    can save a child's life

as though my time
    were more precious
        than changing the world
as though my consumerist choices
    were more important
        than saving lives

stop aiding and abetting me
in my selfish attempt to believe
    that I can do 'the right thing'
        when it suits me
            when it isn't painful
                when it isn't costly
and that's enough.

stop helping my self-centredness
    which tells me
        that I can put myself first
            and worry about the poor / starving / homeless / dying / lonely
                "when it suits me"
                    "when it's convenient"

dear church:: see above.

this post is not intended to be coherent

So I've been reading a lot of Shane Claiborne recently (some of 'the irresistible revolution', although only some because I've now lent it to my parents, and more of 'Jesus for President') and I'm left rethinking my life. And it's painful, and hard, but it feels right. Lots of things. Like: oh God, how can I justify buying clothing produced in sweatshops, especially when I don't need any more clothing? I've been aware of this for ages (at least 8+ years) and have tried to do 'better' by buying less / finding fairtrade cotton every now and then - but let's be honest, I haven't tried particularly hard to find a way out of the system. I've tried to save money on clothes and give that money to good causes that will make sustainable changes to people's lives - and I think that's a good step - but that's no longer enough.

And this permeates everything ... I'm really starting to get that we're all part of the system (or at least the consumerist western world is) and the system hurts people. And that is not okay.

This isn't an instant thing, by the way - a lot of what I'm thinking / feeling / processing / deciding now has been slowly incubating over the last decade, and changing in different ways ... and will continue to incubate and change, I'm sure. But these last few weeks seem to have been a bit of a tipping point, and while it's easy to think "I'm not ready to make big changes to the way I think / live / prioritise", I have always believed (and continue to believe) that if God prompts you to do something, "I'm not ready" is not a suitable answer. We're not called to be 'ready'. We're called to be obedient.

Another thing that's been going round my head:
Q: "What is my life for?"
A: "Loving/serving God and others." (I've been reading the Bible a long time; I know that this is the right answer)
(Q: Do I live like that? A: mostly not)

I've probably rambled/ranted about this previously, but a theme that's been recurring more and more loudly - I keep hearing messages from the church about e.g. contentment, freedom, blessedness - and something within me wants to shout back "don't stop there! What is this contentment/freedom/blessedness FOR? What is the new life we get FOR? It's not for ME, MY BENEFIT, MY GAIN. It's for LOVING OTHERS". That isn't quite the right words for what I mean, but it's kind of close. A sermon about how we should be content/realise we're blessed/realise we're free by focusing on God, feels like it misses the point if it stops there. The point of my faith (/my life) is not for me to feel content / blessed / free, although those might be nice things to find along the way. The point of my faith/life ought to be to love/serve God and others, and 'others' ought to mean everybody.

One of the things that Claiborne points out (somewhere, I forget which book it's in) is that charity can help salve our consciences without really changing us. "I've donated to X, it's their job to care for the poor" "I've donated to Y, it's their job to improve the world". 'I' get to keep doing whatever 'I' want to do, because I've 'done my bit'. Which is kind of like buying indulgences, or something. 'I get to opt out of doing the right thing in all circumstances, because I did my bit'.

I think the challenge is this: to live like other people matter. Really matter. Each and every person. And that is a freakin' daunting task. Off the top of my head, trying to live like other people really matter is going to mean: not buying any food or goods made in exploitative ways. Keeping only the income I need to live on (which is, at the moment, very little) and finding good things to do with the rest of it. Looking hard for ways to connect with people on the margins - putting faces on homelessness/poverty/addiction, and offering love. Seriously thinking/praying about selling things I have / emptying savings accounts and using that money to love other people because when Jesus said to take care of the poor he probably meant it. Trying to find/start/something a community where we can make this sort of journey together. Starting to really centre my life around loving my neighbour. Starting to really try to process what it means to say that the Libyan insurgents are my neighbours and so are Gadaffi and his supporters. Starting to try and process what it means to say 'the kingdom is not of this world'. Resisting the temptation to be isolationist. Taking environmental concerns much more seriously than just recycling. And probably a thousand other things that I haven't thought of yet.

And this is scary. I know I won't be able to do it on my own. I don't know what to do about that. I'm going to try starting by talking to Chris / friends / church / family about this ... but I don't know what will happen.

Claiborne quotes Dorothy Day saying

“Love is a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, but it is the only answer.”

It will mean changing my whole way of life, changing my priorities, dealing with my ego ... and probably a lot of other painful things that I don't yet realise. But it is also exciting. As a song I've sung many-a-time goes, "There must be more than this ..." and Thank God that I'm starting to see a potential for a Christian life that is noticeably different and really does demand a cost.

Um. There's more to say. I'm not sure what it is. I'll probably come back to this. Time to publish.

A really brief life update

Just kind of as a catchup ...

The last month or so has been pretty cool. I've had a lighter workload as I'm taking some days off to make up for the overtime I did in January. I'm picking up extra work doing some transcribing (transcribing interviews is really boring and time-consuming, but work is work) and helping out on another bit of research which is kind of looking into A-level / University transition (which I am totally into!). I've dropped one of my weekly dance commitments which has made a huge difference to how my week goes. I handed in my first essay at the end of Feb, and now don't have any academic deadlines until August 31st (second essay), which is pretty cool. I have some idea about what I want to do for my thesis, and just this week have worked out what I'm going to do for my second essay (compare a standard textbook used in 1st year undergrad in the UK with one used in the US). Church is good. Youth group is good. God is good.